Happy Birthday; now spread your legs and scoot this way.
No, not a rape scene. Maybe I'll talk about that some other time.
Today was my yearly physical, which I've been putting off for about 6 months. I've been preparing for it by smoking like a chimney for the past 2 months (well, only the past 3 weeks have been bad). Two days ago, I had my blood taken as instructed and expected the results to be weird, full of the effects of the nicotine and carbon monoxide that with which I've been flooding my body. No booze though, alcohol just hasn't been my drug of choice lately; makes me too sick.
Instead, I'm treated with a barrage of good news from Dr. Lori. I've lost more than 10% of my body weight since my last visit. My cholesterol is still under 200, but the HDL has gone up from 32 to 54 (!) which brings my LDL/HDL ratio down, from 3.5 to 2.3 - great news (should be under 3.2). My mild anemia - gone. Thyroid, sugars, kidney and liver function - good. Un-effin'-believable. Must be the weight loss, cutting back moderately on carbs and avoiding dairy for the past 2 years that have kept me on the good side. It also goes to show you that stress doesn't always hurt us irreparably.
Now for my favorite part, the Butt-Scootin' Boogie (PAP smear). Clothes off (except my socks 'cuz my toes were cold), lie on the table, scoot down to the end and spread 'em. Feet in stirrups. Speculum in. Warmed up a little to near body temp, good. Ouch. Damn, I forgot to talk an Advil before I went. More uncomfortable this time than the last. Okay, that's over. Now she reaches in my gown and feels up my tits. This takes a while because I'm not an A cup. All the while we talk about how well I'm sleeping and dealing with stress. She gives me 4 Ambien samples and a prescription if it works for me. I don't want anything more serious than that, all I need is more sleep. Me and nicotine are doing fine dealing with everything else.
I'm not out of the woods yet, there's one more part to this, the mammogram, which is scheduled for next Monday. I expect and hope for it to be clear. Then I can breathe easy until the next time I remember not to put all this off.
Thanks for lunch and the present Roxanne.
