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Saturday, January 01, 2005
I wish I could magically morph into Superman. (Being Superwoman would be too distracting.)
I wish I could fly past the atmosphere, the stratosphere, into near space.
I wish I could start flying, faster than the speed of light, 10 times faster, 100 times faster, opposite the rotation of the Earth.
I wish I could fly around the Earth enough times to turn back time. 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, 15 years, 25 years in my case.
I wish I could do this and change our realities. Erase bad decisions. Erase hurt. Erase crimes and unfairness. Erase needless pain. Erase doubt and fear, the kind that causes us to take that easy but wrong path, the path of least resistance, the path that is wrong for us but that makes everyone else feel better.
I wish I could erase pain. But then, I would be God. And we can't have that, can we?
Posted at 06:28 pm by InnerLyly
Wishes
Permanence
One of the ironies of life is that the very attitude that makes us boyant and giddy and fun to be with can rob us of being taken seriously by people we want to impress, that we want to like us. I seem to swing from one side of that fence to the other, at least in what I reveal publicly, I seem like a ditz. I've destroyed a number of my 'first impression' opportunities (I think) by putting on the happyfungirl mask and letting people walk away thinking "WTF?" I worry now that I leave people thinking that I'm an idiot. It affects what I blog about.
I wish I could remember that when I talk to people. That is where I really screw up. I'm not one of those people who always has the perfect comeback for every statement thrown at them. Part of it is that I've been accused of being aloof and serious; that was mainly back when I was shy, before I went to college. I broke out of that shell and became more outgoing but to this day still keep boundaries up, for the most part. So here I am, second guessing and wondering about so many situations and whether I've pushed away people that I want as my friends. And yes, I second guessed myself for half an hour while typing this.
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So I'm sitting here, right now, watching the beginning of the Rose Bowl, Texas vs. Michigan, and they're talking about 'The Impossible Catch' made by Noble Doss of Texas vs. Texas A&M in 1949. Why do I give a damn? His son, Dr. Noble Doss Jr., is speaking about his father. Dr. Doss is a respected OB/Gyn here in this city. He's also the doctor who was my OB and delivered my son 6 years ago. Weird what makes you sentimental.
Now how's *that* for a loss of gravity.....?
Posted at 03:12 pm by InnerLyly
Loss of Gravity?
Permanence
Friday, December 31, 2004
My mind is racing now so all I can do is sit here and type. Looking at CNN, a significant portion of people on the Earth are in mourning as they ring in the New Year. Of course they balance the gloom and doom with a 3 minute recap of The Year That Was which trivialized everything down to a money shot. I thought: 'yea yea yea I've heard and seen it all before.' I guess that was a sign that I watch the news too much. I do see that the morning's leading story on every channel, about "laser beams shining in the pilots' eyes" has thankfully faded into the background. Someone will figure out that they can put some sort of coating on the cockpit windshield to block the lasers, the airlines will have another excuse to up the price, and that will be that.
But now it's finally sinking in with me. It's all in the eyes. The eyes of despair, the eyes of injured children worried about missing parents, the eyes of parents holding their dead children, the eyes of people desparate for relief supplies. I don't know how I can just sit here in comfort and be. Comfortable. I see the pain, I start to feel it, I begin to tear. I instantly detach and say 'poor people.' I cower in a corner and stare aimlessly at the ground. I am so small and inadequate and unworthy and selfish. I am damaged goods trying to heal.
Posted at 05:28 pm by InnerLyly
In- and Un-
Permanence
I'm having a huge problem expressing myself in words right now. I sat down and browsed through every blog on my list and then some, and I'm always impressed with everyone's writing talent, be it polished, raw or somewhere in between.
I wish I had stuck more to my original plan with maintaining complete anonymity, but at some point I let my guard down and told you my name, posted pictures. I let my thoughts be known by commenting on other blogs but I still can't write as openly on my own. I feel like I'm betraying myself and others' privacy if I do so. As a child I was taught that feelings and the expression of them were bad, unless specifically sanctioned by my mother. (You know what they say...the sickest person rules the house.) I read the same themes of disappointment, love, pain, happiness, families, health, etc. on your blogs and it's not like you're all being attacked. But somewhere in my head, a little girl is cowering in a corner, crying, because she's not allowed to be anything but a happy barbie doll so that her mother can feel better about herself. And so she swallows all the emotions until her heart is like a stone, so heavy that she can't feel anything anymore. For years she lives like this. She seeks out 'safe' people who won't challenge her bring out those emotions.
It was inevitable that I would be knocked off my island; it was just a matter of when and how. For me, it was new music I was introduced to back in March that somehow, I still don't know how, broke through all those layers and torn me into shreads. I had never been so moved by a work of art. Last night I sat down and listened to more, and I'm still astounded. Rocked to the core. ("Got a job to do deep inside of you..." - indeed, LT. Done, at least in one of the ways you refer to.)
So I had no choice now but to rebuild myself, recover the person that I locked away as a 7 year old. Here I am, months later, and I have nearly caught up to my age, my maturity, to myself. And I still have to remember shield my heart because it's so vulnerable right now, a terrible, wonderful mix of ready and watch out that's allowing me to absorb life...
I'm crying now because I want to be held, hugged so badly by one who understands, but that's not possible. I long for the human touch in my life. Everything is too regimented. So I shall hug myself with your words, all of you, because in the final hours of this awful year, they bring me much comfort. My only resolution for the year is to be more open on this blog. My wishes...ah well that's quite a list, written elsewhere in middle of the night...
[published unspellchecked, without second guessing myself - for a change]
Posted at 10:51 am by InnerLyly
Scared
Permanence
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"When you step to the edge of all the light you have left and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown, you might believe one of two things will happen: There will be something solid for you to step upon, or you will learn how to fly." -Anonymous
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courtesy of J f Z and Blueskelton.
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